IDEA: The Witness Protection Program, but for anybody who feels like it.
Before you break your foot off in that ass, remember, you only have so many feet.Good night. It is Dec. 30, 2014. Affirmation: "In 2015 I will not star in a viral video in which I am eaten alive by...
View ArticleI'm pretty sure the moon landing hoax was faked
Take heart! The internet proves no matter who you are, no matter what you do, someone out there will always find you tiresome.There's gotta be some endangered animals who get addicted to the excitement...
View ArticleThe cops' defense: "Freddie Gray fatally looted himself."
Quick somebody give me $5 billion so I can make Bernie Sanders president. I'm a weird middle aged white suburban guy. If police kept killing the children of people like me with impunity, I would be in...
View ArticleThe five second rule is pointless if you drop acid.
If Orwell was alive today, he'd probably just shrug and ask for an extra shift at 7-eleven.The earth is a serial killer that wants us as a species dead. I respect the hell out of that.Nobody starts out...
View ArticleHey, the climate hasn't changed, YOU have.
"Civilization is like a thin layer of ice upon a deep ocean of chaos and darkness. Could I have curly fries, please."Save the planet! Jupiter, that is. Or Mars. Not this one. This one is terrible.You...
View ArticleIf I had time machine, I would go back and kill time.
I just want a monster I can believe in.It takes a nation of minions to hold us back.I rarely get the chance to not know where I am.Marco Rubio sounds like the most boring swimming pool game ever.I hope...
View ArticleI need a toaster with some bodies on it.
What do we haunt? the shell of our former selves When do we haunt it? averts gazeAlways make one unobtainable goal so when you've completed your real goals this fucker will keep the infinite void that...
View ArticleIn case you're an emergency, break my glass.
"Where are we headed?" she said. "To a bar" I said. "a land without feelings or genuine interest In order To reduce the awareness of Our mortality thru sin, vice, and false language in a failed...
View ArticleActually, jumping the shark sounds kind of bad ass
It's hard to watch porn when you've lived the life I've lived because I just keep thinking "DON'T DO THAT IN HEELS YOU'LL POP THE AIR MATTRESS"If Miracle Whip were really miraculous it would be...
View ArticleKids, don't do drugs you don't like.
I think Starbucks should embrace sad hour, similar to pubs happy hour but instead a discount on coffee before we all go to work.To an outsider, Trader Joe's just looks like a place where America...
View ArticleAre you there dogs? It's me, pavlov
If you break it, you have extended your relationship with inanimate objects to a whole new plane of uselessness.Put a helmet on before you drink a whole bottle of vodka and ride a sled down your...
View ArticleWe all go a little mad now and then. The trick is to avoid leaving traceable...
Cats have mixed feelings about fireworks. They get scared like dogs but they also enjoy seeing dogs get scaredI am not a logical person, I'm a rational one. Which means, I rationalize my illogical...
View ArticleOne's reality is personal. Don't confuse it with your own.
It's all about perception. For example: The lobsters in the kitchen on the Titanic were giddy when the ship sank.Humans are like M&Ms. We're different colors but the same on the inside. What I'm...
View ArticleOne day, everything will be wireless. Tell a telephone pole your true...
In the land of the blind the one-eyed man will probably just lie and say he's blind, too.Life is a long road, full of rest stops. Remember it isn't about the quality of the restrooms, it's about the...
View ArticleBernie Sanders Can't Help You
The odds say Bernie Sanders has very little chance of being President, but you all spend a lot of God Damn time knocking him down. It's taken on an serious preacher tone. Telling us the error of our...
View ArticleYou can hate me, I'm not doing anything right now.
When You're high and quiet and people think you're having introspective thoughts but you're just wondering how many trees have died so you can wipe your own assI dreamt I had cut off both of my hands....
View ArticleAn open letter to the people who think they're not here for the validation....
Thanks to Trump we can stop wondering what it'd be like if a confederate flag became self-aware and giggled whenever someone says vagina.Animal Farm, but replace the stalinist soviet union allegory...
View ArticleYou could be anyone, and you probably are.
There is a toy car with a camera on it driving around Mars right now. Funny how I can say that and not even be crazy.Stars are like night lights for the universe so if an omnipotent being is out there,...
View ArticleWhere there's smoke, there's mirrors.
I am ok with people not liking me because I am ok with people liking me.Their decisions aren't up to me. I can only be what I am.Everything that is has already happened. It's a time machine of...
View ArticleI hope the pope can cast a spell on all these wolves.
I'm a simple man, I only want to be rich enough that I am invited to join secret societies where we fuck dead pigs in the mouth.Scott Walker answers the question: "Can a jar of mayonnaise get elected...
View ArticleWe'll get the best sunsets when the world is on fire.
Counting backwards is just foreplay to jumping off things, space launches, and anesthesia.things that I prefer empty: libraries parking lots your eyesother places to find ghosts in besides the machine:...
View ArticleAlthough I practice irony, I don't actually believe in it.
Never sworn to god. Ok I said fuck off a few times but it was more like a sky thing and I apologized to the sky later because I could see it.Me and the clouds will be drifting later if you want to hook...
View ArticleYou don't have to wake up, but you can't dream here.
Gun Advocate: Anything is a weapon in the wrong hands.Fine, name one time a guy went into a school and pillow fought 23 people to death.We spend over $1 trillion on preventing terrorism, yet Congress...
View Articletomorrow's goal: pancakes
If you see a clown in the woods, best to just keep walking and say to yourself "there's probably a circus or graveyard nearby."The Karate Kid grew up to be The Karate Man and now he's the Pizza Hut...
View Articlewarning: reflections in the mirror may be held accountable
On a scale from "that Oregon sheriff is a Sandy Hook truther" to "stuff happens," how badly would you like the sun to devour the Earth?"LET US ARM TEACHERS," say people who've never met underpaid over...
View ArticleNot to get political here but everyone looks wicked cute in their fall outfits.
Gravity is god's way of telling us we can nap wherever we want. Responsibilities are satan's way of saying "No you fucking will not"I can't wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15...
View ArticleHumans are really having our way with chickens. It's a blowout.
You are what you eat. Eat butter. Everyone loves fucking butter.Evening meditation: we never know what we don't know until we know we don't know it. So High. Need a Snack.I just need to get down with...
View ArticleJust don't be from where I am. That place is taken.
Ben Carson thinks the government is coming to seize your time machine.On the bright side, the government spying on us means someone might actually listen to your podcast.Crying kid: My toy broke!Me:...
View ArticlePopcorn is the only thing that can kill a clown besides steak knives.
I thought the mainstream media couldn't go any lower. Then I turned on the TV and Chris Matthews was talking to Wayne Newton about Donald Trump.Hillary Clinton looked ready for the fight last night....
View ArticleMy watch is fixed, but I didn't bother to set it because time is just a...
In the 70s, white men swaggered like entitled bags of shit. That had to change. Now EVERYBODY swaggers around like entitled bags of shit, and that really pIsses off a lot of white guys.Trump's platform...
View ArticleDonald Trump owns several planes and buildings and Jeb Bush.
Been meditating a lot on how we only get one life. I'm using mine to start a hedge fund to jack up the price of children's cancer medicines.Stay in school kids, math and diorama-building are near...
View ArticleI misspent my youth, but you don't see me falsifying documents.
At the next State of the Union address, I have a feeling we'll see Paul Ryan up there behind the president chained to the speaker's chair.I'm a little surprised we haven't seen a GOP presidential...
View ArticleMy costume this year was the lost daylight savings hour you all think is real.
Don't get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.On your next conference call, rip a HUGE fart, and then say,...
View Article8-Year-Old Me would be utterly disgusted with how little time Adult Me spends...
The first question at the next Republican debate: How do you expect to govern when you can't even effectivey come together to gripe about debates?Once the uprising begins we'll read the Times real...
View ArticleWe Need To Take The Money From The Rich
The rich people have screwed up. They screwed up by inflating bubbles. Tech bubbles, credit bubbles, bubble bubbles. They were all inflated by the rich because they have too much money chasing too few...
View ArticleI don't care what religion the cup is just give me my damn coffee.
The laundromat is the great equalizer of society. The 1% should be legally required to use laundromats. Tho knowing how the one percent work this will just lead to really nice laundromats built...
View ArticleThe problem with democracy is that it matters when idiots panic.
People from other countries should be allowed to challenge Americans to their citizenship. It's the only way to get rid of the dead weight.People in the United States are more likely to die from being...
View ArticleWe can't all be weird f@cks.
You can't fill an inflatable sex doll with butterscotch pudding and expect good results.Remember, when everything is falling down around you, you should probably just set a fire & collect...
View ArticleHumans are running everything? You have GOT to be kidding me.
Once scientists can combine genetic traits artificially to create customized hybrid organisms, I'm getting me a Steve Harvey Keitel.As an adult Christmas gets less magical. It's not that I don't...
View ArticleI don't understand your delusions, but I admire your commitment to them.
"After subjugating my work force, I end the year by redistributing the wealth to a bunch of takers based on subjective criteria." - s. clausChristmas is coming. It's still ok to react with violence if...
View ArticleOccasionally, stop screaming. Take a good, deep breath. Then start screaming...
Don't talk to anyone you don't wish to speak with. In fact, just don't talk to anyone. Ever.It isn't about winning or losing. It's about being such a jackass no one wants to play the game with you at...
View ArticleLotteries and never ending wars are perfect examples of America's innate...
If you're white you can apparently just keep playing army your whole life. Where does starting Civil War 2 because you're mad at park rangers rank in in the Annals of Disproportionate Butthurt?If I...
View Articlesend deck chairs
I like to post comments online in the persona of someone who has a perfect moral center and never makes mistakes, does anyone else do this?"Banks are inherently good," Hillary says. "Some of my best...
View ArticleI earned the right to wear this velour tracksuit
At some point humans asked animals to love them and animals said don't eat me and humans were like okay, but they were also kind of lying.If you're wearing a leather shirt, people stopped being honest...
View ArticleBeating Trump at his own game
Donald Trump is running for President as the WWE candidate. He’s brash and full of shit just like any good professional wrestler. Facts don’t matter to the pro wrestler because what he does isn’t real....
View ArticleIt's always nice to remember that people that are politically aligned with U...
One of the nice things about being a man is that I never have to worry about being told I've betrayed my entire gender with some minor decision.Ask yourself: Am I living the best life possible without...
View Articlemama's, don't let your babies grow up to be sociopaths
I won't consider corporations people until I can kill a bunch of them and skin them to make a horrifying corporation suit. Reporter: what about automation in the work place Hilary: I welcome our robot...
View ArticleArguing on Dailykos is like taking your time and setting it on fire.
It's about goddamn time for me to see how many whole onions I can eat sitting naked on a Baby Gap floor before I'm escorted out.Her: Look at the pretty stars!Me: Look at the endless black void that...
View ArticlePlease listen carelessly as our menu options have stayed the same
AP: two elderly Americans don't know how to work a metropolitan transit system. related: water is wet.It's obvious Bill Clinton's trying to sabotage Hillary's campaign. I think he's getting cold feet...
View ArticleRead my diaries, No one pays me dick, I represent nobody and I hope everybody...
I might not agree with what you're saying but I'll fight to the death for your right to sound like a god damn fucking moron. why are you like this?Never forget: the earth wants us as a species dead....
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